Me & Him
by anaeifly
Summary: James T. Kirk's assessment of his bond with Spock of Vulcan. Rating may go up. K/S slash/pre-slash. Don't like, don't read.
1. First Impression

I can't imagine that anyone who ever looked at Spock could possibly _not _find him attractive.

I'm not just saying that because he's my bondmate, either—though he would probably think so. Even before I fell in love with him, I could never imagine anyone being more beautiful than him.

I'm pretty sure that at least everyone on my Bridge crew would agree; that's the only way I can explain the fact that I was barely teased for my (admittedly rather blatant) staring when I first started out as the _Enterprise_captain.

So yes, I will freely admit that my attraction to my bondmate was, at first, purely physical. But that didn't last too long.

Despite my fixation with his striking good looks, or perhaps because of it, I really wanted to get to know him better, so I started inviting him to play chess with me. And I have to say it, I was kind of shocked when he agreed—I hadn't really gotten the impression that he liked me, much less wanted to get to know me.

Anyway, through our nightly chess games, I learned a lot about him, like the fact that he preferred green tea because it reminded him of Vulcan spice tea (an item which for some reason could not be replicated on the ship) and, thus, his home. That he actually liked Bones, despite their perpetual arguing. That, although he never showed it or mentioned it to either of his parents, it deeply bothered him to not be on speaking terms with Sarek.

Looking back, I'm not entirely sure how it happened—I was young, brash, and cocky, totally unlike Spock in every way. He shouldn't have been able to tolerate my presence for more than a few minutes at a time, let alone become my good friend, but he did. And I, despite my previous preference to stand alone, found myself starting to open up to him in turn.

That was the point at which I probably should have realized it, but I didn't. I was too busy—too busy getting lost in not only in my First's eyes and barely-there smile, but now his addictive personality and mind as well.


	2. Links, Bonds, and Chains

About six months into our five-year mission, he requested permission to perform a mind meld on me and create a link between the two of us so each of us would know if the other was in trouble, since our comm units had an unfortunate habit of malfunctioning on nearly every away mission.

I was a little wary at first, not wanting him to sense my attraction and freak out (or whatever the Vulcan equivalent of that is), but after his assurance that the meld would not have to be very deep, I decided to do it. What harm could it possibly do, if it helped us out in the long run?

It was unlike any experience I'd ever had. Having Spock in my head was far more comforting than I'd ever thought it could be. I can't really explain the meld itself, other than to say that my mind, apparently, is extremely chaotic, or at least it is when someone else enters it. Upon Spock's entrance, he quickly pulled me in, and we were treated to a sight rather akin to a stampeding buffalo herd. Absolutely bizarre. That's all I can really say about it, even to this day.

Anyway, the link was apparently pretty easy to make, because the whole meld took under ten minutes to complete, and then we were back in my quarters, standing only a few inches apart. Spock stepped back just as he pulled out of my mind, and my reaction was instinctive—before I even realized what I was doing, I had reached forward and grabbed his arms, trying to keep him close to me.

Spock's eyebrow arched. "Captain?" he asked, clearly somewhat confused.

I dropped my hands, frustrated beyond belief with myself. "Sorry," I mumbled. "I'm not really sure what that was about." And then I quickly changed the subject. Stupid, yes, but at the time it was the only thing I could think of to do. I wish I hadn't done it, because we probably could've saved ourselves a lot of time if I had just told him what was going on, but that was my way back then.

In any case, the link served us quite well—for the first year and a half of our mission, both of us were always able to tell when the other was in any kind of trouble. Which was why, when Spock's pon farr hit, I automatically knew something was up, even before the whole soup-throwing thing.

He had tried to shield it from me, but was entirely unsuccessful. If you're surprised by that—well, don't be. Shielding takes a lot of mental concentration, something which is not in great supply during pon farr. If he performed any telepathy during that time, it was probably by accident and probably really shoddy.

Okay, that's not really true—but I'm getting ahead of myself. I have to tell the _whole _story, not just the best parts. So, once I had a partial idea of what was going on with Spock, Bones and I went down to Vulcan with him, and that, quite frankly, is where it all went to hell. Spock's fiancé, T'Pring, a woman colder than any I've met before or since, chose me as her champion so that no matter who won the _kal-i-fee_, she would be free to bond with the Vulcan lover she had taken in Spock's absence.

God, what a bitch. It was obvious from the start that she didn't care for Spock at all, but to make him fight his _best friend _when she didn't want me or him and, furthermore, knew that neither of us wanted her either—well, in my opinion, that takes a degree of cruelty not many people are capable of.

But there was no choice; it had to be done. So I fought him, despite the fact that I knew I was totally outmatched, and thanks to Bones, I managed to survive. It was strange, though, because at the end, I felt something inside me _move_, like a limb reattaching itself or a puzzle piece being put into place. I didn't have much time to think about that, though, before I found myself unconscious.

It wasn't until much later, after I'd been promoted to the rank of admiral, that I realized what that feeling had been, and to be honest, I've never had my feelings be so confused in my life.


	3. Kolinahr

It happened on a very ordinary day at my office San Francisco, where I was trying to work my way through my huge mountain of paperwork. I'd been an admiral for about two years and was kind of sick of it, but I refused to admit that. I really didn't need the title "first Starfleet officer ever to actually _ask_ to be demoted" added to the list of strange things about me, even if most of the other strange things were untrue.

In any case, I'm sure a lot of people have thought about what it must have been like for me, and I just have to say that you simply cannot imagine what a bond starting to be made to break feels like, no matter how good your imagination is. It's just not possible.

Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself again. Sorry. So, back to the boring San Francisco office, where I was trying with actually pretty good success to focus on my work. I was almost completely there when I started to get a headache. Well, no big deal. I'd worked through _hundreds_ of headaches on the _Enterprise_, hadn't I?

But it didn't take long before it became more than just a headache. It felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing me, everywhere, all at once, and I couldn't think of anything, _anything_, the pain _was _everything—

And then, somehow, out of nowhere, my head cleared enough to recognize Spock in my mind. What the hell?

What happened next is somewhat beyond my comprehension, because while it was clearly entirely subconscious (no way in _hell _would my conscious have been able to accomplish anything at that point), I can remember every single detail with perfect clarity, which can't be normal, I know.

Some part of me registered the fact that Spock being in my head meant that he was the one causing the pain, and automatically sought both vengeance and defense. My subconscious lashed out and basically kicked the crap out of nearly everything in Spock's head, crashing through shields and barriers, while simultaneously slamming down shields of its own.

When my conscious managed to take over again, my first (coherent) thought was _Why in God's name do all my telepathic experiences have to be so unspeakably insane?_ My second thought was somewhat less wordy. _What is my secretary doing in here?_

Before I could ask why she was in my office, Jeanine spoke up. "Are you all right, sir?" she asked, sounding sincerely concerned. I must have looked somewhat confused, since she continued, "You were screaming."

"Was I?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant. "Well, I'm fine now, thanks. Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

She nodded. "Is there anything else I can get you, sir?"

I considered for a moment. "Nah, I'm good." Jeanine nodded and had started to walk away when a thought. "Wait, scratch that," I said quickly. Jeanine turned and looked back at me expectantly. "Can you get me Ambassador Sarek on the vid phone?"

* * *

About ten minutes later, the face of Spock's father filled the screen in my office. "Admiral," he greeted me. His voice was calm, but I was sure I could detect the tiniest hint of surprise beneath.

"Ambassador Sarek," I replied, inclining my head slightly. He returned the gesture, and I continued. "I am sorry to contact you at home, but I didn't know how to contact Spock, or if that would even be a good idea right now." My anger and hurt sprang to the front of my mind again, confirming my suspicions. Definitely _not _a good idea, then.

One eyebrow shot up, and I barely managed to repress a smile at the familiar action. "I must admit to some confusion, Admiral," Sarek replied. "I was under the impression that you were rather close to my son. Why, then, would it not be, as you call it, a 'good idea' to contact him?"

I quickly explained what had just happened. Sarek frowned slightly. "From your reactions, I take it that you were not aware of Spock's decision to join the _Kolinahr_ discipline?"

I think my jaw literally dropped. "The—" I closed my mouth and shook my head slightly to clear it. "No, I wasn't." I hesitated, not sure I wanted to know the answer to what I was about to ask. "So—you think he was trying to break the link between us?" I finally asked.

It was Sarek's turn to look surprised—at least, as surprised as a Vulcan ever looks. "Only a link?" he asked.

I frowned. "What do you mean, 'only'?"

There was silence. "An attempt to break a mere link would not have resulted in such pain on your part, Admiral Kirk," Sarek finally answered. "Pain such as what you just described would only be caused by trying to break a full bond."

I stared at Sarek in astonishment. I think my jaw may have literally dropped. I knew he expected me to say something, but I couldn't. I couldn't even think.

Finally I regained enough of my composure to speak, and I only wanted to know one thing. "How?"


	4. Explanations & Benefits

It wasn't long after that that we encountered V'Ger. I shouldn't have gone, I know, hell, I shouldn't even have _wanted _to go, but I couldn't help myself. And when Nogura finally said I could take command for that one mission, I was the happiest I had been since the _Enterprise_'s five-year mission had ended, and with good reason. Not only was I going to finally be able to command a starship again, it was the _Enterprise_, albeit a little different from when I knew her, and on top of that I had Sonak as my science officer.

Now, don't think that Sonak in any way replaced Spock. Nobody ever could do that, not even if they were his clone. But he _was _the only connection, however distant, that I had to my former first officer, and I was absolutely psyched to have him. To be honest, I probably would have made _him _First Officer if I hadn't felt I owed Will Decker at least that much for taking his first command from him. And I would swear on my life that Sonak knew that, and understood it. Of all the people who were with me at the mission's very start, I think only he and Bones really understood why I wanted Sonak so badly as my science officer.

So, while his death due to a transporter malfunction didn't exactly devastate me, it did leave me with an aching sense of loss. There was longer anything to connect me to Spock. Well, there was the bond, but I was completely opposed to actually using it before I could find a way to talk to Spock in person. I'm sure that sounds incredibly dumb, but if there's one thing I'm known for, it's being stubborn. Spock was always the only one who could even come close to matching my level of stubbornness when I didn't want to do something.

So I ignored that particular fact and ended up taking out my frustration almost entirely on Will. And not always intentionally, either.

Either way, I wasn't exactly pleasant to be around then. Frankly, I'm surprised Bones let me get through the mission without giving me a tranquilizer every two hours. God knows I would have deserved it, considering how I acted.

Anyway, I was not as totally shocked as some people undoubtedly believe I was when Spock walked onto the Bridge. Wait, let me re-phrase that. Since he had tried to break the bond and obviously failed, I expected him that he would leave the _Kolinahr_ and I would see him relatively soon, and I could yell at him for not telling me that we were basically _married_, for God's sake. I had _not _anticipated that he would actually come to the _Enterprise_, and had I considered the possibility beforehand, I wouldn't have known how to react. There were so many choices.

But, I didn't consider the possibility, it never even crossed my mind, so my initial reaction was one of rather delighted surprise. Not exactly what I would have planned, considering how very much I wanted to be absolutely pissed at him, but there was really no helping it. Emotional reactions suck sometimes, what can I say.

It was extremely weird to have him back on the ship. Yes, it was Spock, but it wasn't the same Spock, at least not all the time. Well, most of the time, actually. Still, I couldn't help saving him after the nut tried mind melding with V'Ger. Call it instinct, call it reflexes, call it love, call it whatever you want. All I knew was that I _had _to save him.

Seeing him cry for V'Ger was strange…and also not. I'd always known he had a compassionate side, but given the way he'd been lately, I certainly wasn't expecting to see it anytime soon.

While I was trying to talk to him in Sickbay, he tried to get me to take my shields down, the push of his mind on mine gentle but _very _persistent. I ignored him. (Juvenile, I know.)

When he grabbed my arm, locking his eyes onto mine and refusing to let go, I finally dropped the shield enough for a split second of communication. _Not now_. And then I threw them back up, not really giving him a chance to respond, and did the only thing I was really used to doing when I was stressed—I focused entirely on my work. I feel bad for that now, but at the time, I was too hurt and angry to really want to listen to him.

* * *

When I had said "not now" to Spock, I hadn't exactly meant "later". Nonetheless, I wasn't particularly surprised, upon returning to my quarters while we were on our way back to Earth, to find Spock already there.

I stared at him for a second, and he stared back, making me feel like I was being x-rayed, so I looked away. "Hey, Spock."

Spock inclined his head. "Admiral."

I turned back quickly enough to hear my neck crack and glared at him. Was he seriously calling me by my title when we were talking about _our_ _bond_? Insane.

Spock said nothing, just raising an eyebrow slightly. I looked away again, going to my desk and sitting down before saying, "So, care to tell me why you never told me we were _married_? And maybe how exactly that happened, if you don't mind. I tried asking your father, but he didn't know. He didn't even know we had a bond."

Spock hesitated for a moment. "The _kal-i-fee_," he said finally. "During my pon farr. Because the bond I was entering into with T'Pring was not a love bond, my mind was still subconsciously searching for a mate, and found you." He paused again. "When I created our link, our minds reached out to each other, recognizing each other as t'hy'la. It was extremely difficult to prevent them from creating a full bond then."

Suddenly something clicked in my brain. "Wait—that's why you pulled away so quickly, isn't it? It freaked you out."

He raised his eyebrow a little when I talked about him "freaking out", but otherwise ignored that part. "Indeed. It was also why you tried to hold me in place when I did so. It was quite surprising that our minds were so compatible, and I did not want to force us into a bond when I was unsure whether it was what either of us wanted."

I nodded. "We barely knew each other." I sighed. "I should've said something to you. Probably could have saved us a lot of time."

Spock shook his head. "I do not believe that would have been beneficial at the time. Neither of us were ready to admit our feelings."

"Maybe." I looked back up at him. "So how exactly did the bond form, if it wasn't then?"

"When I was in pon farr, my conscious mind was entirely focused on securing T'Pring as my mate, which was why I fought you. My subconscious, however, was focused on securing _you_. When I cut you with the lirpa, I accidentally severed the link, and both of our minds automatically reached out to each other, seeking to repair it. Being consumed by the plak tow, I was not as in control of myself as I would have liked, and without my conscious will or consent, my subconscious not only repaired the link but also formed a full bond with yours."

I blinked. "Seriously?"

He raised an eyebrow, pretending to be irritated, but I could see amusement in his eyes. "Why would I not be serious, Jim?"

I closed my mouth and just stared at him for a minute. "Well…my mind would have had to have a hand in that too, wouldn't it? And I always thought _you _were the only one with psychic abilities." I shook my head in mild disbelief. "Sorry. Go on."

I could swear I saw a tiny smile playing at his lips, but he continued without saying any more about it. "Unfortunately, I 'killed' you at the same moment that the bond formed, and I only became aware of it afterwards, when I realized that you were alive. I shielded it from you because I did not believe that you would want it."

I stared at Spock incredulously. "How could I not want it? How could I not want _you_? I _fought _you, I thought I was going to die, but I didn't care because I didn't want _you_ dead. How could you think that I wouldn't want it?"

He wouldn't look at me. I walked around the desk and stood in front of him, trying unsuccessfully to get him to look at me. "I had no way of knowing if you had any feelings for me beyond friendship. Your actions, more often than not, did not point toward that conclusion."

"Because I didn't think _you _wanted _me_!" I exclaimed. This was ridiculous. Had we seriously been running in circles around each other for the past seven years? Brilliant.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "Of course I want it. You. Always."

He looked up. _Finally._ "Are you certain?"

I rolled my eyes, moving a little closer to him. "Come on, Spock. Do I ever say anything I don't mean? Don't answer that," I added when he opened his mouth. "I'm sure."

Spock opened his mouth again. "Don't take this personally," I said, interrupting him before he could say anything, "but could you _please _not talk right now? If you do, I'll never get to kiss my bondmate."

He gave me a little smile, leaning down slightly to brush his lips against mine. I sighed in contentment, quickly deepening the kiss.

That had to be the single best trip home I've ever had. It could've been a little longer, but I didn't even care about that at the time. I was just glad to be with him, finally.


End file.
